


four minutes

by polaroidee



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad Ending, Slight fluff, Unrequited Crush, suicidal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:28:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26128804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polaroidee/pseuds/polaroidee
Summary: yamaguchi found peace in harm.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 73





	four minutes

TW: self-harm & mentions of suicide (please be mindful whilst reading!!!!)

Yamaguchi could see the stars from his window, each individual flicker that gave the sky something bright to focus on. He spent his nights watching them, admiring them, connecting with them. He wouldn't mind being a star - free in the night to be whoever he wanted. It wasn't like Yamaguchi was free any other time, wounded and bound by a million different problems. By each passing day, the invisible rope around his throat tightened, leaving fleshy marks of blood and anguish and giving no way out. Yamaguchi had thought about making it permanent, looping the other end to high ground and jumping, but there was always something in the back of his mind keeping him afloat. Whether it was his friends, his love or his star-gazing, they'd never failed to keep him from leaving. 

By now, Yamaguchi had his chair in front of his window instead of his desk, always taking time out of his evening to watch the sun retreat. Practice sometimes ended too late and he had to sacrifice his peace for walking home with Tsukishima. If it was anyone else he'd reject their offers, but the sheer, wonderful fact that it was Tsukishima made him agree almost instantly. Yamaguchi couldn't think of a scenario where he'd ever deny his closest friend, no matter the severity of the situation. There were only a few good things in his life and he'd be damned if he lost any of them.

It didn't take Yamaguchi long to realise his feelings towards Tsukishima stemmed more from romantic love than friendly love. They'd been together a long time, most of which had been on Yamaguchi's part. He doubted the lanky blond would've showed any interest in him if he hadn't been so consistent. Back when Yamaguchi was a kid, there was no one cooler than Tsukishima Kei and he'd looked up to him ever since (both emotionally and physically). Their friendship may be one-sided, but Yamaguchi couldn't find it in himself to care.

After practice on Friday night, Yamaguchi stayed back because of a request from Takeda. He didn't know why he was wanted, but decided to leave his questions to himself. He zipped up his sports bag and looked around the mostly empty changing room. Everyone else had always been much stealthier about changing, another thing that Tsukishma loved to complain about. Not that it made Yamaguchi go any faster. Once his off-put focus morphed into one of concentration, Yamaguchi stole a look at said best friend. Tsukishima was sifting through his bag, his curly, blond hair hanging off his forehead in a funny sort of way. His glasses had slid to the pinched bridge of his nose and Yamaguchi felt the urge to push them back up. His hand twitched at the idea and he immediately scolded himself. There was no point thinking such things - things so out of reach.

"Tsukki, if you could choose to die in any way, what way would it be?" Yamaguchi blurted, watching intently at the way Tsukishima's hands zipped up his bag. The slender fingers curled gently - as if afraid to break the obviously delicate plastic of the zip - and pulled until his uniform was no longer in eyesight. It wasn't unusual for Yamaguchi to focus on such intricate details such as the way someone closed their bag, but he never felt concerned about it. Being more aware of the world was a good thing, right?

The question didn't seem to faze Tsukishima, his only reaction a slight scrunch of the nose. He - much to Yamaguchi's delight - used those long fingers to push up his glasses and tilted his head to the side. He looked as if he didn't want to answer, but did so anyway. He knew if he didn't, there'd be consistent nagging in his ear for the duration of their walk home. With that thought in mind, he spoke. "Suffocation."

Out of all the options Yamaguchi could muster up, he never thought Tsukishima would choose that. It wasn't a particularly quick death and almost always made the body go into a state of harsh panic. In fact, Yamaguchi couldn't think of anything worse. "What? Why that? Why not something quicker, less painful?”

Tsukishima scoffed and rolled his eyes like the conversation was physically painful to him. It was often these reactions that made Yamaguchi sure that the blond didn't like or enjoy being his friend, and it was often these reactions that mercilessly stopped him from ever confessing too. "I think it'd be nice to look back on my life while I still had the chance. Being killed quickly, or easily, seems like a rather bad way of going out."

"I didn't take you as the sentimental type, Tsukki." Yamaguchi commented, shocked, but also rather content with Tsukishima's answer. He'd thought of death in detail so many times, but he'd never thought of it in such a way. In fact, the answer played through his head on a loop for a while after that.

The taller turned and walked towards the club room door with an air of impatience and used those cursed hands to grip the handle. He didn't leave though, just stood there like he was internally debating the most controversial topic of all time in his clever brain. After what seemed like forever, Tsukishima locked eyes with his friend and shrugged. "I'm not scared of death, Yamaguchi. I more look at it as something to look forward to, don't you?"

•••

On the night of Christmas, Yamaguchi watched the stars from his window. His dad hadn't bothered with a present for him and Yamaguchi couldn't tell himself why something so materialistic and unneeded had left him in tears. He often felt unwanted by his father, only a pawn in his fun game of chess. He constantly ran arrands for him like buying unnecessary amounts of beer or cleaning up the mess he'd make almost every night on the kitchen floor. Yamaguchi was a patient boy and he always made excuses for his dad in his head, desperately trying to hold on to something good in his life, something bright, something just there. Because of this, the kitchen floor would be extra shiny the next day.

It was different in the winter, because Yamaguchi could watch the brightness of the stars as well as the obnoxious colours coming from houses all around him. Japan wasn't popular for celebrating Christmas, but his town was one of the few that actually did. You could look anywhere on his street and see a variety of red, yellow and green blinking at you, welcoming you in and encasing you with the excitement and warmth that came with the Christmas atmosphere. Yamaguchi's house was the only one that didn't decorate, the boring brown sticking out like a sore thumb amongst the magnificent red of his neighbours’. His father was too lazy to stick anything up and Yamaguchi didn't have enough money to purchase such a thing. If he did, then his house would be the best on his street.

After he'd let the twinkles of the stars blind his vision, Yamaguchi had harshly tugged the curtain closed. The tears on his freckled cheeks had dried and made his under-eyes feel out of place. His jumper sleeve matched the wetness, the soaked material rubbing against his inner wrist and making his sensitive skin itch. Yamaguchi reached his shaky hand and rubbed his jumper, feeling the friction that immediately eliminated his itch. He stared down at his wrist, pulling his purple sleeve up and noticing the red patch of irritation on the surface. Despite his skin being splotched with plenty of freckles, Yamaguchi failed to remember a time when he'd actually liked a mark on his skin. He'd always been scared of pain, hating the way his body reacted so weakly to the faintest scratch.

Only this time, the small, patchy material burn made his body surge with a wave of positivity. For a moment, the insufferable itch had brought him delight. It made his head fuzzy with pain and took his conscience away from the constant worry. Yamaguchi knew the feeling of toxicity in his veins was dangerous and something he should just ignore, but the temptation to take him away from his thoughts was much more prominent. Because of this, Yamaguchi walked to his bathroom - dragging his feet like an empty body possessed by another entity - and searched his cabinets for a razor blade.

At the back of his mind, he could hear a sweet voice. It wasn't his, but he couldn't pin it to anyone else. The voice was silky, dripping like melted chocolate, brushing against his mind like the calm waves of the sea. It kept urging him, telling him the only way he'd properly feel peace is if he let the blade sink into his skin. It told him that maybe even Tsukishima would want it too, would want Yamaguchi to see his blood dripping off his skin and would want the bathroom to overflow with something so sinister. It told him that he'd be free forever if he did it, he'd be free of his father's disappointment, he'd be free of his own insecurities, he'd be free of his undying love for someone completely uninterested.

Yamaguchi couldn't deny that the voice was kind to him, that the voice wanted what was best for him, that the voice knew what was best for him. Yamaguchi decided to trust the voice and gripped the blade in his hand tightly. After standing in the bathroom for a long time, he noticed the red mark had faded and that it made his skin look foreign. He didn't want his skin to be so perfect, smooth and soft and not corrupted like he himself was. Yamaguchi didn't deserve such angelic skin, he deserved ripped, bumpy, blood-stained skin that reminded him just how disgusting he really was. There was nothing remotely good about Yamaguchi.

With one final intake of hitched breath, Yamaguchi took the sharp edge of the razor and pushed it into his skin. The intrusion made him hiss, but he soon felt the numbing after effects of an injury. The cut was only small but made his complexion look all the better. It wasn’t deep enough to gush blood, but the little dots of red liquid gave Yamaguchi a satisfaction he'd never felt before. It pushed him on like a supportive friend and encouraged him to reck himself some more. The numbing gave him bliss, it made him forget about all the consistent let-downs he experienced in real life. It flushed out all his disappointment and it gave him a sense of immense relief. 

As the blood flowed out of the four cuts he'd made - each bigger and deeper than the other - all his problems went with it. Yamaguchi knew a fresh wave of tears was flowing form his eyes, but he couldn’t focus on them when such a euphoric numbing had spread throughout his mind and soul. He let himself indulge in the feeling of freedom and weightlessness, noticing the black wings that sprouted from his back and flapped for him. They led him through lands and lands of peace, avoiding mountains of pure hatred and finally landed in a pit of darkness.

Yamaguchi slid down his bathroom door, dropping the blade like it'd burnt his skin. His sobs flowed out like a disease set free and made his heart squeeze against his ribcage. He felt suffocated and ashamed, each cry wracking against his chest like a punch to a punching bag. He didn't bother cleaning his cuts, wrapping his skinny arms around his knees and muffling his sounds with his own body. The numbness had long gone and now a rush of unbearable pain had enveloped his wrist. It stung like a million bees had swarmed his bathroom and Yamaguchi felt the shame in the pit of his belly. He wondered how he'd hide such a disgusting thing from everyone, he wondered what they'd say if they knew. He didn't want to wonder what Tsukishima would think, but his brain still made him.

•••

From then on, Yamaguchi wore a long sleeved shirt under his uniform and sports gear, always using the easy excuse that he was too cold and wouldn't be able to focus or play at his best if he was constantly shivering. Nobody questioned him, just teasing him instead and thinking it was just typical Yamaguchi being too dramatic. He thanked them secretly for it, not wanting anyone else to know about the ways he coped. It didn't take long for Yamaguchi to do it again, and again, and again, until it was something he did daily. Scars started showing up and some started staying permanent, but this never made Yamaguchi stop. Despite the action being so harmful and reckless, Yamaguchi usually thought of it as the best part of his day.

Every time he thought about it, it seemed like the best thing to do, but afterwards Yamaguchi was always consumed by shame and guilt. He knew he was slowly destroying himself, getting addicted to something that quite possibly could hurt him permanently, but it seemed so tempting every time it came back to his mind at full speed. Yamaguchi knew he was in too deep, so why stop now?

When it started becoming more hot, Takeda had taken Yamaguchi aside and had questioned him about his long sleeves. "Yamaguchi? Why are you still wearing the under-shirt? It's dangerous to train in too many layers, I don't want you to get heat stroke." His tone sounded concerned and it made the boy's heart swell. Despite the nice intentions, Yamaguchi started internally panicking and felt a new wave of nausea fly over his head.

He gulped. "I'm sorry, I'll take it off next practice."

"Ok, as long as you're sure. I'm just worried about your health, that's all." Takeda smiled and then patted the teen's shoulder. "I'm sure your teammates are worried too. We all want you at your best for the Spring Interhigh."

Yamaguchi returned the smile as best he could, nodding like an obedient puppy and turning to get back on the court. "Thanks."

It wasn't the last time his under-shirt was mentioned that day.

Later in the evening, Tsukishima pulled his headphones off and gave Yamaguchi a pointed look. "Why do you keep wearing that stupid shirt?"

Yamaguchi took his eyes off the stars up above him and let his bubble of content pop. Tsukishima barely asked him questions about his wellbeing, so Yamaguchi was taken aback. He didn't want to lie to his best friend, but knew that a secret like his couldn't be shared to anyone. If he did tell Tsukishima, who knew what the taller would do with such sensitive information? Would he even care?

"I've just been colder than usual." Yamaguchi rushed out. "But Takeda-sensei has already talked to me about it so I'm going to have to stop wearing it anyway."

Tsukishima frowned. "It's not even cold."

"Yeah, but I guess my body has been taking it worse than usual." Yamaguchi knew how stupid and unbelievable his excuse sounded, but it was the best he could come up with at that moment.

Although he thought the conversation was over, Tsukishima stopped walking completely and turned to fully face the freckled boy. It looked like he was uncomfortable with what he was about to say and that deeply worried Yamaguchi. The blond barely did anything he wasn't comfortable with and it seemed like what he was about to say was putting him on edge. "Do you...Do you want a hug?"

At the question, Yamaguchi's heart started beating noticeably faster. He scrunched his eyebrows together and tried to process what he had heard. Had Tsukishima - his closed off, grumpy, emotionless best friend - just asked if he wanted a hug? Somehow, in his overwhelmed brain, he still found the decency to nod. Yamaguchi took time to notice the pink tint on Tsukishima's cheek bones and the way his lips were upturned the most he had ever seen since they'd become friends. He used his lanky arms to pull Yamaguchi into his chest, the smaller tucking his head under Tsukishima's chin. Although they were out in the middle of the road, the pair stayed in each other's embrace for what seemed like forever.

Yamaguchi made sure to mentally imprint the warmth of Tsukishima's body pressed against his. He memorised the hard ridges of his abdomen, the curve of his neck and the way his heart beat against his chest. It all seemed surreal in his head and it took all of Yamaguchi's will power to not tighten his arms around Tsukishima. The blond rested his chin on top of Yamaguchi's head and inhaled the faint scent of his shampoo. He didn't know why he'd done it, but it seemed as if Yamaguchi really needed some sort of comfort.

"You've been weird lately." Tsukishima stated simply, feeling the way Yamaguchi's head prevented him from properly speaking. 

"You...noticed?" Yamaguchi replied, not knowing if the situation could get any better. For so long, he'd subconsciously waited for someone, anyone, to notice his head sinking underwater. He'd waited, without actually putting it out here, for someone to see that twinkle of sadness that constantly swam between the black of his eyes. Just the thought that the person he loved the most had noticed made him want to cry. 

Tsukishima scoffed in his typical fashion. "Of course I did, I'm with you almost all the time."

Yamaguchi smiled for the first time in what felt like forever and found it in him to pull away from his friend just so he could look into Tsukishima's golden eyes. The blush still hadn't left from his cheeks and it made the smaller immensely happy. "Oh, well I'm fine. Just been worried about the Spring Interhigh.”

"Don't be, our team is actually pretty good. I'm surprised such idiots like Kageyama can actually play something so tactical like volleyball." Tsukishima commented, rolling his eyes at the thought of the guy he hated. If there was anyone on the team who could get under his skin, it was definitely Kageyama or Hinata.

Yamaguchi looked right into the eyes of his best friend and beamed like he'd just won the lottery. "Thanks, Tsukki."

"For what?" He asked.

"For noticing." Yamaguchi answered. It was something so simple yet something so needed that Yamaguchi could see things looking up. Maybe if he only had Tsukishima, he could live happily. Friendship or something more, Yamaguchi didn't mind, he wasn't someone picky. The stars and Tsukishima was all he needed.

It was silent after that, just the two of them watching each other closely. Tsukishima knew what he wanted to do, but couldn't seem to push himself. The atmosphere was soft, unbreakable. In that moment, Yamaguchi's face was bathing in moonlight, the stars in the sky making his usually dark eyes shine so bright it could blind someone. He'd never admit it out loud, but Tsukishima thought Yamaguchi looked rather beautiful standing so simply. His hands were by his sides, his face was relaxed and his teeth were poking out from under his lips, moulded into a soft smile that he saved just for Tsukishima. 

Tsukishima didn't realise he was doing it, but soon he was leaning in, his best friend's lips getting closer and closer to his. Yamaguchi froze, his whole body tensing like he was preparing for some sort of hit. Instead, he was met with a sweet kiss, one that made his insides light on fire. Neither of them made a move to get closer, standing in front of each other, the only contact being their lips mashed together. Yamaguchi let Tsukishima coax his mouth open with his tongue, tasting all of him in only one simple action. He didn't think he'd ever wanted something more, the sheer feel of the blond so close to him. It awoke every muscle and fibre in is body. He wanted Tsukishima to kiss him until he couldn't speak. 

Yamaguchi could barely breathe when Tsukishima finally pulled away, his chest heaving up and down with incessant panting. He knew his eyes were glazed over, with tears or desire Yamaguchi couldn't quite decided. His stomach was swirling like a vigorous tornado, the silence eating at him. What should he say? What could he say? 

It seemed like a dead end to Yamaguchi, seeing Tsukishima in front of him, lips swollen and deliciously red, hair messy despite not being touched and cheeks on fire. It was nice that Yamaguchi wasn't the only one flustered and out of it, even though they felt that way for different reasons.

"Do you feel better now?" Tsukishima asked, his tone no softer nor lighter - still as rough as ever with the smallest amount of concern mixed in. He blindly fixed the locks of hair out of place on his head and heaved his bag up higher to keep his hands moving. Despite the kiss being so, so good, Tsukishima regretted it and needed an excuse as soon as possible. He couldn’t kiss his best friend, especially his male best friend.

"Y-Yes," Yamaguchi stuttered, losing all his confidence and trying to think of what else to say. "Why did you do - " He waved his hands in front of him frantically. " - that?"

Tsukishima couldn't stop his mouth before he spoke. "I've seen the way you look at me."

"What do you mean, Tsukki?" Yamaguchi questioned, keeping his throbbing heart from leaping out of his chest. How had Tsukishima caught on so easily, he really thought he'd been better at hiding it. 

"You like me, right?" Tsukishima continued. "Well, I thought if I kissed you, it'd cheer you up, since you’ve been so sad. And it obviously did."

Yamaguchi thought the world could hear his heart crack. "Wait...You don't like me back?" 

"No, we're just friends in my eyes. That's why I wanted to help you." Tsukishima's face was blank, void of anything that could show he was lying. He saw the way Yamaguchi's face dropped, his eyebrows pinching in both anger and confusion. He also saw the way his shoulders sagged, but he ignored both.

"What? How would this ever help me?" Yamaguchi all but squeaked, feeling the familiar stinging in his eyes and the pooling of tears that refused to drop. He tried his best to blink them away but it didn't work - the salty liquid had already started coating his cheeks. 

Tsukishima shrugged casually, trying and successfully ignoring once again the way his best friend cried in front of him. "I don't know, don't people who have crushes want their crushes to kiss them?"

"Not like that!" Yamaguchi sobbed. "They don't want a pity kiss!"

"Well, sorry. I didn't know that." The taller rolled his eyes despite feeling anything but annoyed. "Get over it, Yamaguchi. It was just a kiss."

Yamaguchi swallowed the lump in his throat and felt it drop down into his stomach. It soon joined all the other parts in his inner tornado and made him feel sick. Just when he thought everything could look up, the harsh reality crashed down on him once again. Yamaguchi was angry, so angry that he'd got caught up in the wonder of Tsukishima's charm and had been successfully tricked. "It might've been just a kiss to you, Tsukishima, but it meant something to me. You can't just play with someone's feelings like that. It's cold and it’s unfair!"

Tsukishima tried to grip his friend's wrist to get him to stop moving about, but ended up putting pressure on the multiple cuts there. Yamaguchi yelped and tried to pull away, the unexpected pain making the situation worse. He struggled in the taller's hold, hating that Tsukishima was stronger than him. He wanted to kick like a child, have a huge breakdown about why the world was just so unfair, but all Yamaguchi could do was yank his arm as hard as possible until he was finally free.

"Why did you yelp so loudly? Are you hurt there or something?" Tsukishima asked.

"It's none of your business!" Yamaguchi wailed, his knees shaky and his heart heavy. He thought he'd collapse right there and then, but didn't as Tsukishima grabbed his wrist again. He cried harder, falling limp and letting the boy do whatever he wanted. 

He felt his sleeve being pulled up, he felt the bandages being pulled away, he heard the gasp of shock but did nothing. Yamaguchi couldn't think of much that mattered anymore, now that Tsukishima knew about his pathetic crush and his cuts. It was like a sign from the universe, a sign that maybe his life could never get better and that it didn't need to. Because instead of waiting around for some miracle to happen, his life should just end.

"Did you do this to yourself?" Tsukishima asked, brushing his thumb on a row of bumpy scars that hadn’t been re-opened yet. The sight of Yamaguchi's wrist shocked him beyond belief and he wasn't quite sure how to fix it. It wasn't something he'd ever expected from his friend. Should he have seen it coming? Should he have confronted Yamaguchi earlier? Would this have even happened if Tsukishima had just done something?

"What do you think?" Yamaguchi spat, once again snatching his arm away and rubbing furiously at his sore eyes like it'd erase the pain and hurt from his body if he did so.

"Why?"

The raven sighed in a way that sounded harsh and made fierce eye contact with Tsukishima. "Because what can't bend, breaks, Tsukki."

He didn't wait for a reply, just stormed off down to road. Tsukishima called after him, but Yamaguchi didn't bother stopping. It didn't matter anymore, there was no point caring. He had his mind set on something and he was going to do it.

•••

Yamaguchi watched the stars from his living room window, drinking them in as much as he could one last time. The air around him was chilly, licking at his skin and causing goosebumps to rise on the surface. He'd thought about Tsukishima and found he wasn't angry with him, more so angry at himself. It wasn't Tsukishima's fault that Yamaguchi had got the wrong idea from the kiss, because he'd just wanted to help him. No matter the reason, Yamaguchi should've been happy with whatever - the sheer fact that Tsukishima had kissed him in the first place made his heart leap with joy.

With shaky fingers, Yamaguchi brushed his lips, feeling them sizzle with memory of Tsukishima's. He smiled a little, thinking that he'd die content knowing his love had at least given him what he wanted. His father was out, probably drinking his own body weight in booze, not a single care as to if his son was ok or not. Yamaguchi could see how the universe was calling to him, telling him it was his time to go. 

He had it all planned out, his and Tsukishima's past conversation raw in his head. The rope felt hot in his hands, pressing into him and leaving a mark that would be forever permanent. He knew the time it took for someone to suffocate.

Four minutes.

That meant he had four whole minutes to go over every good memory he'd ever once had. Yamaguchi knew he'd feel an immense amount of pain, but he also knew it was the best way to be with Tsukishima in his last few minutes. If there was one way to go out, that was it for him. 

Yamaguchi hooked the rope around the peg above his coat rack, not thinking about the most logical thing to do at that moment. He didn't care who found his body, he didn't care that he'd never be able to go to nationals with his team, he didn't even know that Tsukishima was calling him at that second.

All he knew was that the rope felt snug around his neck, that the rough edge made him feel as if he'd finally be free. The wings that were usually black suddenly dyed white as he stood on the stool. Yamaguchi felt his hands shake as he clenched the one thing keeping him from leaving, eyes set on the two people he'd loved the most in the world. The picture of his mum haunted him, her smile burned into his brain as she hugged Yamaguchi and Tsukishima to her side. His dad was else where, leaving the picture holding such innocence it made Yamaguchi burst out crying. 

For once, Yamaguchi didn't watch the stars, he watched his loved ones as he kicked the stool away and felt the burning pressure of the now very much real rope push against his neck.

He heard the phone ring, but ignored it, keeping his eyes on the photo. His throat was burning, scratchy from him gasping for air but he still didn't feel it as much as he thought he would. Yamaguchi only became aware of his senses when he heard a panicked and out of breath voice come from the home phone. Was it a voicemail?

"Yamaguchi? Yamaguchi?! I don't know what you're doing, but just stop to hear me, ok? I don't deserve you for what I did, denying the fact that I've loved you for just as long as you've loved me. The moment you called me Tsukki, I've liked you. If you're hurting that much from what I did - which you have every right to - I'll give you time. But, please, don't hurt yourself. I don't know what I'd do - " He took a breath of much needed air, the faint sound of shoes against concrete haunting Yamaguchi's ears. " - if you left me, Yamaguchi. it's selfish, I know, but when have I ever been anything else? Please, just stay. I'll never take you for granted again, I promise. I'll hug, kiss, shout to the world that I love you and we'll win nationals together like we've been saying, ok? So just hang on."

Tsukishima's panic and words pushed Yamaguchi over the edge, forcing him out of his limp state and making him kick his legs to keep himself up. He tried and tried and tried, his calfs and thighs burning whilst the croaky screams left his mouth. Why now? Why was the timing so wrong? Why was Tsukishima in love with him too?

If he'd just hold on a little longer, if Yamaguchi could just keep his lungs working, if he could just find the stool - he'd be able to see Tsukishima again. If he could do anything, he'd have him back-

But Yamaguchi couldn't. And, instead of spending those sacred four minutes in peace, he spent them feeling nothing but hot, unbearable regret.

•••

Tsukishima pressed on his best friend's contact, feeling the pool of dread in his chest grow and grow until he was bursting at the seams. He didn't know why he'd ever said that to Yamaguchi. He knew he loved him just as much and he now also knew about the pain Yamaguchi had been inflicting on himself. When the call went to voicemail, Tsukishima jumped out of bed and fumbled for his shoes and keys. He’d spent hours in bed overthinking the conversation and had only just done something about it. He spoke into the phone as he ran as fast as he could out of the house and down his street, the wind whipping against his heated cheeks and making him sweat. He passed all the shops and busy cars, letting the street lamps and stars guide him to Yamaguchi's house. 

There was no car in the drive way when Tsukishima reached his house. There were no lights on and it just made the blond even more worried. He practically kicked the front door open, hoping his voicemail had got there, hoping Yamaguchi had heard him, had laughed at how cowardly he was, had smiled at how ridiculous he was and had given happiness another chance.

Tsukishima fled into the living room, freezing and staying put in the doorway as he looked on. The stool was toppled over, kicked away and out of reach so Yamaguchi couldn't give himself a second chance. The room was dark, only the stars in the night sky lit up Yamaguchi's face. Tsukishima fell to his knees, mouth hung open in shock and horror at his best friend's state. 

He suddenly remembered the conversation where they'd spoken about suffocation and Tsukishima let out a sob. Why had he chosen that way to leave? Yamaguchi hated pain - always had - so why had he done that?

"Why..." Tsukishima spoke to no one in particular, never letting his eyes stray from the limp figure. He felt like he was suffocating and away from his own body, watching the scene from the corner of the room where he could cower and hide. It didn't seem real, it couldn’t be real. Yamaguchi was going to come to him the next day and say 'Sorry, Tsukki!' to just about everything and Tsukishima was going to act like it annoyed him but really it made his heart flutter. And then Yamaguchi would pout like a child and huff until Tsukishima listened to what he had to say next.

But Yamaguchi didn't go to school the next day, or the next or the next either. Tsukishima did, watching the world crumble without Yamaguchi to accompany him in it. He watched as the team fell apart, watched as his head teacher informed the whole school, watched as Yamaguchi's dad shrugged at the news and he watched as his own parents broke down. Tsukishima watched everything - even the fake report on TV - but never quite saw it properly. He didn't think his world could've come crashing down in such a short amount of time, but then again, he hadn’t realised Yamaguchi had been so important to him either. If he'd actually seen it sooner, Yamaguchi would be there.

Tsukishima watched at practice too. He watched as Daichi cried, watched as Sugawara rubbed his back, watched as he tried to clear his throat and watched as he set his chocolate brown eyes on Tsukishima. He watched as his lips moved and heard what he said, but never quite let it faze him.

"Let's win nationals for Yamaguchi, ok?"

Tsukishima watched as they all cheered, he watched as they all stood too, enveloping each other in a group hug and he even watched as Hinata softly spoke to him. He watched all of it happen, but he never quite saw it.

Because all he could see was Yamaguchi's off-put, smiling face, asking him how long it took to suffocate.

"Just four minutes," He'd replied.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I’m really sorry for this but I wanted to write and angsty fic for Tsukiyama!!!
> 
> If you ever feel this way, please speak to someone or call a hotline! You never need to suffer alone.
> 
> Here are some hotlines:  
> 1-800-827-7571  
> 1-800-273-TALK  
> 1-800-799-4TTY (deaf hotline)  
> (717) 763-2345  
> 1-800-722-5385  
> 0800 58 58 58  
> 116 123 (UK only)


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